Sunday, November 20, 2011

Singing the blues

I’m afraid I have nothing thematic to offer here today. It’s been nearly a month since my last entry and, even though I have a little queue of post ideas collecting in my mind, right now any attempt to write about them feels halfhearted. Life hasn’t been the greatest for this blogger as of late. If you want to hear the dismal details, by all means, read on. If not, though, I don’t blame you. Today I just need to vent.

The month started with an emergency call from home to come see my grandma. She has Alzheimer’s and her condition has been declining rapidly. I went home for four days to see her. Even my cousin and his family down in Georgia traveled up to see her. The situation was not as acute as my aunt thought when she called us, but Grandma is moving into the end stages of the disease. We don’t have much time left with her. It’s just a sad and stressful time for our family, especially with the holidays approaching on top of it all.

And, speaking of holidays, I have zero desire to partake in them this year. It’s partly because of Grandma’s condition and partly because I still haven’t secured a full-time job. The search has been a nightmare. I’ve even been rejected from positions I’m technically overqualified for. It’s been discouraging to say the least and I know I’m not the only one hurting. What a disappointment for all of us youngsters coming out of undergrad or grad school bright-eyed and ready to change the world! I don’t even want to change the world, but I know I have the skills, passion and motivation to at least find a corner of it to make better. If someone would just give me a chance.

Incidentally, this past week, it seemed that life might be looking up. After getting rejected from yet another job on Monday, I had a little meltdown. On Tuesday I got called for an interview with another agency. On Wednesday I had said interview and it went well! It restored some hope in me that I’d lost somewhere over these past few months of searching. Now I’m in the waiting game, but I have a good feeling about this opportunity and thank goodness. I needed that. And after Friday, I really, really needed that, plus a bottle of wine and lots of chocolate.

Because on Friday I finally got some news about my birth family search. My birth mother was located and does not want any contact with me. I’m still processing this. How long will I be processing this? I have no idea. What I do know is that I feel hurt. Disappointed. Even angry. My emotions have been flung in so many different directions over the last few weeks. I’m just tired and need something to smile about. It kind of feels like so much of my life has been splitting at the seams and every time I sew one part up, another spills open.

Like any other rough patch, this one will eventually be smoothed over, but for now, I’ve just got a bad case of the blues. Thank goodness for tea, writing, The Decemberists and my support system of fam/friends. Anything to make the hurt a little less is a good thing right now.


  1. I'm so sorry, honey. *big hugs* I hope things improve, especially in the job front. Enjoy your wine and chocolate. I miss you!

  2. Aw, I miss you, too! Thank you for the kind words. I know things will improve with time and I'm very hopeful about the job. Just have to take things one day at a time for now.

  3. I am so sorry :( I hope things change in many different areas.

  4. A lot of us (myself included) are too chicken to even take that first step. You actually have the right to be angry and upset, since many of us simply complain and wish but do nothing about it.

    But my heart goes out to you, It really does. Your story could just as easily be my own - and it hurts me just to think about it.

  5. @mrkmommy: Thank you. Things are slowly but surely improving. I got a job at least! I figure things can only go up from this point.

    @scotched: Thanks for your comment. It was hard even making the decision to search and I can empathize with adoptees who haven't taken that step. It opens up a whole scary world of unknown. Given my experience, I have to wonder now if searching for/reuniting with birth family is the only way to resolving these upset feelings. There's only so much of the situation we can control.. I guess if one path doesn't lead to healing, it's time to find another.