Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Get me to the (Korean) church on time!

Confession #489 on this blog: I’m not great at romantic relationships.  With the exception of a few relationships and a handful of casual dates, I tend to be that perpetually single person.  As I progress through my twenties, more and more of my peers are jumping into the engaged/married pool.  I would be lying if I said I’m not getting a little worried about when I’ll reach this next milestone..if ever.  Next year I will be in two weddings.  Always the bridesmaid, never the bride?  I’ve been proudly touting the title of Miss Independent for a while now and I’m finally getting to the point where I want that to change.
I know myself well enough to know that I definitely have my hang-ups regarding relationships.  Among them, I’ve realized that not being colorblind is creating this inner conflict.  For a while now, I’ve been tossing around the idea of attending a nearby Korean church.  A few of my relatives have encouraged this with the hope that I might actually meet my future husband there.  I guess I’m a little touched that they’ve thought of this.  I have voiced my sense of isolation growing up without an Asian community to be a part of, so it’s nice to see that someone is listening.  My mom has already said she would not mind at all if I married a Korean guy, adopted or not.  I’m pretty sure she just wants adorable Asian grandbabies (which is completely understandable because Asian babies are astoundingly cute).
The thing that really has me confused, though, is how much of that sense of Asian community do I need to feel fulfilled and accepted in life?  Is it enough to have Korean friends?  Do I need to have relationships with other Asians as family members?  I think I mull this over even more now, knowing my omoni’s response to my birth search.  Maybe that door has closed for good and I will never truly be a part of my biological family.  Marriage may be my only chance to experience anything even remotely close to that.  I have wondered over the months if I should only focus on trying to find a Korean or Asian boyfriend, which seems ridiculous.  A person’s ethnicity should not be my deciding factor in whether or not I should date them.  I’m just scared that I might be missing out on something if I am never to be part of a Korean family.  I don’t even know what that ‘something’ is! 
I look at other Korean adoptees I know and most of them have ended up with non-Asian significant others.  And they seem happy with their lives.  In the scheme of things, I’m sure that ultimately marrying a non-Asian guy would not be a negative thing.  I don’t want to focus so much on what I’ve missed that I actually miss out on someone standing right in front of me.  I don’t want to make the mistake of committing to a Korean guy just because he is Korean.  Relationships are built on many, many things.  It’s not necessarily one isolated piece of a person’s identity that makes it all click.  It comes down to more than common interests or common ethnicity.  I don’t want someone else to date me just because I’m Asian or just because we like the same music.  Maybe those are good starting points for sparking a connection, but those factors alone don’t build a foundation for a lasting relationship.  People are wonderfully complex and need to honored as such.  I just need to keep my heart and eyes open enough to see the big picture.      


  1. Hi Soo. I love your insight and thank you for sharing your experiences as I will one day be Oma to a Korean child. Follow your heart and don't think too much. I think joining a Korean church is a great idea to emerge yourself in your native culture. I have one around the Courner that I plan to take my little one too. As far as dating... There is someone out there perfect just for Soo. Whatever race they may me:):)

  2. Don't worry to much about your age and *when* you will find the right person; my little sister just got engaged and she will be 31 in July. Exactly the right person will come along at exactly the right time, and you will know he is the one, no matter his ethnicity. I am sure it is only natural to crave a deeper connection with your Korean roots and marrying into a Korean family would surely add a depth to your sense of identity... at the same time, if Mr. Right doesn't end up being Korean, you will still have satisfaction in knowing you married exactly who you were supposed to.. and you will just have to dig a little deeper through other friendships to get the experiences you are craving. Thanks for sharing your heart. I've been following your blog for quite some time now but not sure if I've commented before.

  3. Thanks for the insight, ladies! My mom says "you'll just know" when the right one comes along, haha. Such mysterious advice when it comes to romance. :)