I am sappier than a Hallmark greeting card these days. I blame it on a combination of the holiday season and my mom's complete selflessness. She is a Christmas elf! She baked no less than 50 dozen cookies and has been giving them out to everyone from family to the girls at our local bank. She said, "It's a lot of work, but I want to do good for all the people that have been good to me." She's playing Christmas music and wearing a jingle bell necklace she got from the dollar store. I get bitchy in the holidy traffic and she just keeps singing along with the radio. My mom is a trooper. Last Christmas she had recently finished chemotherapy, still had many rounds of radiation to go through and felt downright miserable. Christmas is her favorite holiday, so it crushed her not being able to do all she typically does during the season. This year I think she's just thankful for her health and happy to be alive. Being her daughter is such a privilege. There is always so much I can learn from her amazing spirit.
We've talked a lot lately about the idea of me starting a birth family search. I feel 100% comfortable talking to her about it which is a gift in itself. Last week an acquaintance asked me, "Do you think your mom will be hurt if you search?". Absolutely not. My mom knows how much I've recently began to embrace my KAD identity and respects that. She knows that I contacted the adoption agency about my files. They actually sent a rather lengthy email back with some details about my past that I never knew! My brain is still swimming a little in the new knowledge, but I'm so glad I have it. I called my mom after receiving the email and read it to her. The writer closed the message by telling me a little about how to start the search process should I choose it and advised me to make sure I have a good support system by my side on that journey. My mom is excited for me and has expressed her honest hope that I do search, but also acknowledged that only I can make that choice. It feels good to know she is not sad or hurt by my desire to search. She understands that I am an adoptee and this is my right to explore. I do think I would feel differently about initiating a search if I did not have her blessing, but fortunately I do and it means the world. With her blessing, I'm going to take the plunge and see what happens. It just feels right to do this now. I have the strength and support to get through this experience no matter what the outcome.
And on that optimisitic note, I want to wish happy holidays to anyone celebrating this week! I probably will not write again until after Christmas at the very least. Lots of living to do in the meantime!