When you’re a single twentysomething and most of your friends start slowly but surely moving towards long-term relationships/marriage/babies, it’s all but impossible to not think about your own relationship status and what your future holds. A lot of people get married in their twenties and just make it look so darn natural. And it really is quite natural for a lot of people, but I think I might be an exception. Now more than ever I am considering this reality. I think about this stage of life which Erikson refers to as Intimacy vs. Isolation. Share your life with someone else or do your own thing flying solo. Which side of that vs. do I want to be on? And how do I negotiate that with my identity formation that continues to happen as a transracial adoptee?
I was in Barnes & Noble the other day and got caught up in this book by American actress Diane Farr called Kissing Outside the Lines which is all about interracial relationships. Farr, a white woman, married Chung Seung Yong, a Korean man. She talks about the struggles they have experienced and also interviews other interracial couples. I was skeptical when I realized an actress was the author, but it’s actually a fascinating read. Maybe what was most refreshing about it was someone tackling the issue of race head-on and making it clear how much race truly still matters, despite the colorblind perspective trying to take over. Isn’t it ironic how some people can preach equal treatment for everyone, but then flip out when one of their own crosses those color lines to find love?
To be honest, now I’m just confused. As a transracial adoptee, those color lines get blurred. For all the progress I’ve made trying to learn more about my Korean heritage and connect with other Asians, I still find myself most often drawn to white suburbanite guys. Given my upbringing, those guys are more familiar to me than guys of my own ethnicity. Even though me being with a white guy would represent an interracial relationship, culturally, I might still have more in common with him. We might not necessarily have the same kind of barriers other interracial couples might have because I grew up so whitewashed. I just have to watch out that I don’t pick someone trying to fulfill an Asian fetish. I know who I am (well, for the most part), but you can’t control how everyone sees you and I know there are men out there who see Asian women as exotic little mail-order brides. I think I’ve been fortunate to avoid such men thus far. However, that doesn’t mean I don’t have a vigilant eye out.
It seems like no matter whom I choose to be with, there may be some kind of cultural misunderstanding, at least initially. It all comes down to people looking at my Asian face and forming expectations based on that. One man might look at me and think subservient China doll. Another might look at me and think we share a cultural upbringing when we don’t. I do think about the possibility of marrying into an Asian family, a Korean family, even. If I never reunite with my birth family, marriage might be my only chance to experience what it’s like being part of a Korean family. My own family has already expressed how happy they’d be if I married an Asian guy which I find..kind of weird. I don’t think they fully realize how significant that union would be. If they’re using me as their standard for what other Asians are like (which I think some of them are), they will be in for a surprise! I am the only Asian in my family. There are no other Asians through adoption, marriage or otherwise. Maybe it would be nice to not be the only one, but there are still other challenges that would come with that. What if I fell in love with a Korean guy and then his family did not accept me as Korean enough? I don’t even need to be put into that situation to know it would be devastating.
At this point in time, I admit I am taking the path of least resistance. For me, to pursue a relationship with a Korean guy raised in a Korean family is maybe the scariest possibility of all. It means risking another rejection. So, I’m not doing that. Not that I’ve had the opportunity to recently anyways. Instead, I’ve started seeing a guy with dirty blonde hair and green eyes. He has rather beautiful eyes. They’re nothing like mine. Will I go my whole life never being with a Korean guy? Does it matter in the end? I really don’t know anymore. At the end of the day, I just want to find someone who sees me as enough. Someone whom I don’t have to worry about being white enough for or Asian enough for. I’m still so young with so much left to learn about relationships. I hope I’m brave enough to fight for love no matter what color it comes in.
Showing posts with label books on race. Show all posts
Showing posts with label books on race. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Book recommendation: The Bluest Eye
I initially had to read Toni Morrison’s The Bluest Eye for a survey course on contemporary American literature my sophomore year of college. And now I will let you in on a little secret: I didn’t finish it. Believe what you want of my story. I was a good student who ran out of time and, frankly, did not latch onto the novel. And I had one of those awesomely lenient professors who let us pick whatever readings impacted us most to write our papers on, so it was an easy out. I know. Bad Soo.
So, here I am four years later and I finally read the entire novel. In fact I was unable to put it down. Isn’t it funny how much our tastes and perspectives can change over time? Like many people I know, I have historically been hesitant to have an open conversation about race. The topic makes people uncomfortable, hence ideas like colorblindness and ‘post-race’ societies. Because sometimes it is easier to throw a cover over that which you are ashamed of than to face the reality of the damage caused. Reading The Bluest Eye felt uncomfortable to me at first because it confronts race without apology. At the heart of the novel is the pain of internalized racism. The book follows numerous characters, but the connecting thread that always moves the narrative along is Pecola Breedlove, an adolescent black girl growing up in Ohio circa 1940. The title reflects Pecola’s greatest wish: to have blue eyes. She lives in a world where everyone, including her own mother, cater to the blonde haired, blue eyed child. Why? Because that is the face of beauty. That is the face that makes society smile. Pecola has never been smiled at like that because she is black. And not only Pecola is affected. Her peers and family members all have painful experiences which remind them that their appearance makes them secondary citizens or, worse, not even human at all. Through experience, these characters learn to look at themselves with disgust and it is nothing short of tragedy.
What I call internalized racism today Morrison referred to as racial self-loathing in her afterword to the novel written in 1993. The novel itself was published in 1970. It has been forty years since then, but internalized racism still exists. Please make no mistake of that. Yes, society has moved forward in many ways and continues to diversify. Lately I have seen a lot of interracial couples around my community, for instance. And that is wonderful. The positives should be recognized. But there is also still room for improvement. Just go into a toy store. How many dolls are blonde haired and blue eyed in proportion to dolls that aren’t? It probably depends on where you live, but coming from a girl who had to have ALL her Asian dolls ordered ‘special’ because they weren’t in stores, these observations are important to make. Look at the cosmetic selections at the drugstore. Which skin tones have more options? Which types of hair? What kind of beauty does your world sell? (And how inclusive is it really?)
I could keep writing forever, but I will end this by offering my full support to The Bluest Eye. If you are looking for a light read to bring to the beach, I would not pick this one. It is depressing. It is also disturbing. But what an important read. If you want to learn something more about internalized racism, pick this up and don’t say I didn’t warn you.
So, here I am four years later and I finally read the entire novel. In fact I was unable to put it down. Isn’t it funny how much our tastes and perspectives can change over time? Like many people I know, I have historically been hesitant to have an open conversation about race. The topic makes people uncomfortable, hence ideas like colorblindness and ‘post-race’ societies. Because sometimes it is easier to throw a cover over that which you are ashamed of than to face the reality of the damage caused. Reading The Bluest Eye felt uncomfortable to me at first because it confronts race without apology. At the heart of the novel is the pain of internalized racism. The book follows numerous characters, but the connecting thread that always moves the narrative along is Pecola Breedlove, an adolescent black girl growing up in Ohio circa 1940. The title reflects Pecola’s greatest wish: to have blue eyes. She lives in a world where everyone, including her own mother, cater to the blonde haired, blue eyed child. Why? Because that is the face of beauty. That is the face that makes society smile. Pecola has never been smiled at like that because she is black. And not only Pecola is affected. Her peers and family members all have painful experiences which remind them that their appearance makes them secondary citizens or, worse, not even human at all. Through experience, these characters learn to look at themselves with disgust and it is nothing short of tragedy.
What I call internalized racism today Morrison referred to as racial self-loathing in her afterword to the novel written in 1993. The novel itself was published in 1970. It has been forty years since then, but internalized racism still exists. Please make no mistake of that. Yes, society has moved forward in many ways and continues to diversify. Lately I have seen a lot of interracial couples around my community, for instance. And that is wonderful. The positives should be recognized. But there is also still room for improvement. Just go into a toy store. How many dolls are blonde haired and blue eyed in proportion to dolls that aren’t? It probably depends on where you live, but coming from a girl who had to have ALL her Asian dolls ordered ‘special’ because they weren’t in stores, these observations are important to make. Look at the cosmetic selections at the drugstore. Which skin tones have more options? Which types of hair? What kind of beauty does your world sell? (And how inclusive is it really?)
I could keep writing forever, but I will end this by offering my full support to The Bluest Eye. If you are looking for a light read to bring to the beach, I would not pick this one. It is depressing. It is also disturbing. But what an important read. If you want to learn something more about internalized racism, pick this up and don’t say I didn’t warn you.
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